


i love you

by criminally_minded



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-13
Updated: 2019-10-13
Packaged: 2020-12-14 20:23:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21021740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/criminally_minded/pseuds/criminally_minded
Summary: He had tried to give his boss a hug. A hug. A perfectly normal, thank-you-for-saving-me hug. Three seconds long, four seconds max. He had no idea what had possessed him to lean forward and kiss the man, in front of their entire team, no less.





	i love you

_ “Are you alright?” _

Spencer lies face down in his bed, trying his best to stop playing the memories in his brain like a movie on repeat. Of course, he had no such luck. The eidetic memory that made him so successful at his job also tended to torment him whenever he made a giant, glaring mistake.

“ _ I knew you’d figure it out.” _

He had tried to give his boss a hug. A  _ hug. _ A perfectly normal, thank-you-for-saving-me hug. Three seconds long, four seconds max. He had no idea what had possessed him to lean forward and  _ kiss  _ the man, in front of their entire team, no less.

Well, that wasn’t entirely true. Spencer knew  _ why _ he had done it. What he didn’t know was why he had done it  _ then,  _ and why he hadn’t immediately stopped when he realized that his superior wasn’t kissing him back.

He recalled every single millisecond of the entire interaction. He remembered how Hotch’s entire body had gone rigid the moment their lips touched. He remembered, too, how soft those lips were under his. He doubted he would ever forget it. Just like he would never forget coming back to himself and pulling away with a jerk, unable to meet his boss’ eyes when he reopened his own. The team looked equal parts surprised and worried, and he immediately hoped he would be able to chalk the whole thing up to trauma. He had stumbled forward to cling desperately to each of them in turn, even smiling a bit when JJ kissed him on the cheek and tucked a stray piece of his unruly hair behind his ear.

Spencer rolled over in bed and pressed his palms to his eyes. He had avoided being alone with Hotch for the rest of the night, and had ignored two calls from him after he got home. If it was about a case, he was sure another team member would call him.

As if on cue, his phone rang loudly on the bedside table. Hesitating for only a moment, he reached over and checked the caller ID: Derek Morgan.

“Derek?”

“Hey, kid. You ran outta the office so quick I didn’t get to talk to you.”

Spencer sat up and swung his feet over the side of the bed. “Yeah, I know. I just needed to be alone, I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine baby boy, I get it. Are you okay?”

Spencer knew he wasn’t. Couldn’t be. Maybe wouldn’t be for a long time. “As okay as I can be,” he lied easily, feeling only slightly remorseful. It would do no good to worry his best friend. Morgan was such an empathetic person that he felt the pain of his friends as if it were his own. Spencer didn’t want that for him.

“You’re not getting out of talking that easy, baby,” Derek responded, as Spencer had known he would. “but I’ll lay off for now. Oh, and call Hotch, would you? He said you weren’t answering his calls earlier.”

“Derek, about that, I –“

“Listen, you don’t have to explain yourself to me, Reid. Just set things right with him, okay? This team needs you both.”

Spencer smiled fondly, though he knew Derek couldn’t see it. The passive acceptance of his feelings and actions meant the world to him, and acted as a balm to his aching heart.

“I’ll call him,” Reid promised.

“Actually, he’s right-“ the sounds of a quick scuffle from the other end of the line, and a soft grumble of annoyance was the only thing Spencer heard before there was a new voice on the phone.

“Spencer?"

Spencer’s heart was in his throat, mind working overtime as he shot to his feet. 

“Hotch,” he said, voice shakier than he intended. He coughed quickly to clear his throat and tried again. “Hotch, sorry I missed your calls earlier.” 

There was a brief pause in conversation, as if Hotch was waiting for an excuse for missing the calls. No logical excuse presented quickly to Spencer, so he figured it was best to just be silent. He was sure any lie would be quickly detected by his boss, anyway.

“Where are you?” Hotch asked abruptly.

Reid’s eyes roamed over the outdated hotel room as he once again considered lying. He decided easily that it would be pointless and immature. Not five seconds after he had told Hotch where he was, the line went dead. 

Spencer was a genius, but even if he wasn’t he would have been able to tell that Hotch was planning on coming over. His heart was pounding so hard against his ribcage that it was almost painful. The panic rising in his throat was making his eyes water. He realized that he was still clutching the phone to his ear, and with shaky hands, set it back down on the end table.

He walked to the kitchen with a calm that he didn’t expect he would be capable of. He set about brewing a pot of coffee, the normality of the routine comforting him and staving off his anxiety. 

He doesn’t know what to expect when he opens the door for his boss. An awkward hug? A punch in the face? Would he be immediately fired? Instead, when Hotch showed up a mere ten minutes later, he was standing with his head down and hands shoved in his suit pockets, tie loose and askew. He looked surprisingly vulnerable, and Spencer knew this was where he was supposed to say something to ease the tension. Knowing what to say had never been his specialty, so instead he just moved aside- a wordless invitation. His boss entered, apparently trying to subtly assess Spencer’s condition.

“How are you?” Hotch asked when the younger man had finished locking the door.

_ Nauseated. Anxious. Terrified. Hurting. _

“I’m a little sore, but I’ll be fine,” Spencer allowed himself to say.

Hotch’s jaw clenched and he nodded tightly. “We should talk about what happened.”

Spencer shifted uncomfortably and ran a hand through his hair, still slightly damp from his earlier shower. “I already handed in my statement. Can this wait until tomorrow? I’m exhausted.” His eyes darted around the room, as if looking for an escape route.

“That’s not what I mean. I think we should talk about the  _ other  _ thing that happened.” Hotch surreptitiously stepped closer to Spencer. He moved slowly. “What happened in the graveyard, when we found you.”

It took every ounce of Spencer’s willpower not to immediately start in on a lengthy, rambling apology. He took his time and thought about what he wanted to say. When he started speaking, it was slowly, and said mostly to his shoes.

“I knew what you meant. I was giving you a chance to change the subject. We could just pretend it never happened. You could just forget about it.”

By this time, Hotch was quite close. He only had to reach out slightly to wrap his fingers around the other man’s forearm. “I can’t just forget it. And I don’t want to. I just need to know, why?”

Spencer’s eyes were glued to the place on his arm where Hotch was holding him. With some difficulty, he tore his eyes away and finally looked his boss in the eye. He didn’t look angry or disgusted, which seemed like a good sign. It was a simple question that had been asked, but the answer didn’t seem nearly so simple.

“When Tobias had me, I knew he was planning to kill me,” Spencer started. Hotch’s eyes immediately softened, concern pulling his lips into a small frown. “I knew that he was so deeply psychotic that nothing I did or said would change his mind. And so when I was sitting there, exhausted and thirsty and in pain, I wasn’t thinking about how to escape. I was just thinking back on my life, and thinking of all the things I would never get to do. And then, all I could think about was you.”

Spencer paused when he felt the fingers on his arm got tighter, but Hotch still said nothing, and gave him an encouraging nod, so he licked his lips nervously and continued. “I don’t really know what else to say. I knew I was going to die. I knew that I… that I loved you”

Spencer swallowed thickly. He forced himself to keep his eyes fixed on his boss’ serious gaze. 

“I’ve tried to deny it for so long now even to myself. I force it to the back of my mind. I fought against it, tried to convince myself it was just admiration. But when Tobias was holding that gun to my head, I knew. I know it’s a terrible idea, and it’s never going to happen, and I might even get fired for this, but I love you.” Spencer was talking fast now, trying to let all the pent up feelings out before they suffocated him. “It’s irresponsible and reckless and dangerous. Completely impossible. But here is your answer: I kissed you because I am absolutely irrefutably in love with you.”

Spencer bit his tongue to keep himself from rambling. He was breathing heavily, heart pounding so loud that he was sure the other man would hear it.

Hotch spun away abruptly, and it hurt Spencer more than he supposed it should have. He steeled himself for whatever was to come.

“It’s just the trauma, Reid. You were put in a life or death situation, your adrenaline was high, and you misinterpreted your feelings. That’s all this is.” Hotch was still not facing him, staring aimlessly into the kitchen.

Spencer shook his head fervently, though he knew it made no difference. “Listen, I know what effects adrenaline has on the body. This isn’t what that is. I’m in love with you. Have been for months, maybe even years.” He reached out and grabbed Hotch’s shoulder gently, forcing him to turn around. Hotch was pale and his eyes were slightly bloodshot. Not exactly how you want someone to look after you’ve just professed your love for them, Spencer thought. His hand slid down Hotch’s arm and wound up gripping his hand. It wasn’t immediately withdrawn, but Hotch remained silent until Spencer could take it no longer.

“Aaron, say something. Fire me or tell me how foolish I am. Anything.”

Hotch finally met his eyes, startled at the use of his first name. It was the first time Spencer had used it so casually.

Hotch reached out and grabbed Spencer’s other hand. “Why me?” he asked. Spencer just furrowed his brow and tilted his head slightly, so he continued. “I know my flaws well, Spencer. I’m too serious, too demanding. I’m ten years your senior. You’re a young, beautiful genius. You could have anybody.”

For the first time since he heard Hotch’s voice on the phone, Reid’s heart was racing with something other than dread and embarrassment. He felt the smallest bubble of hope beginning to form in his chest. Aaron thought he was beautiful. Nobody had ever called him beautiful before. He took a chance and ran his thumbs over the slightly rough knuckles of his boss’ hand.

“I don’t want just anybody,” he breathed, inching ever so slightly closer. “I want you.” 

“What about Morgan?” Hotch asked. Spencer almost recoiled in confusion. The other continued quickly. “I’ve seen the way he looks at you when he thinks nobody is watching. The pet names. ‘Baby’ or ‘pretty boy.’ He’s more age appropriate, he’s not your boss, he’s attractive. I always suspected you would end up with him.”

Spencer shook his head in protest, and wondered quickly if anyone else on the team had such suspicions about Morgan and himself. “Derek is my best friend, but I don’t want to be with him. And you shouldn’t think so poorly of yourself. You may be my boss, and you may be older than me, but that’s not all you are. You’re strong and brave, and when I’m with you, I feel like I can be strong and brave too. You inspire me.” 

Without another moment of hesitation, Hotch tangled his fingers in the other man’s long hair and pulled him forward for a searing kiss.

Spencer decided immediately that  _ this  _ was what he would always remember as their first kiss. Slow and warm, exploring and tender. Perfect. Hotch pulled back far too soon and peppered a few soft kisses on Spencer’s jaw and cheek. He pulled the lithe man in, clutching him to his chest and resting his chin atop the other’s head. Spencer buried his face in Hotch’s shirt and inhaled deeply.

“I was horrified when he took you, Spencer. I don’t know if I’ve ever been so terrified in my life. I’ve never let myself believe for even a moment that you would be interested in someone like me.” He pulled back just enough so that he could stare into the other’s eyes as he continued. “Now that I have you, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to let you go.”

“I don’t want you to.” Spencer smiled sincerely, tightening his grip around the older man’s waist. 

“I’ll keep you safe, Spence, I promise. I’ll never let anything like this happen again. I swear it.”

“I believe you,” Spencer replied.

Spencer knew that in their line of work, nobody could ever be completely safe. But standing there, wrapped in the strong arms of the man he loved, he couldn’t remember ever feeling so protected in his life. 


End file.
